"My name is Roland Howard. About ten hours ago, a group of musically-inclined individuals calling themselves the Cleveland Used kidnapped my lover and fellow psychic combatant, Ophelia Jesus. They must know something about our connections to the Slambero Corporation, specifically the genetic soldiers program codenamed S.P.O.R.E.S. (Super Persons Organizing Resistance in Every Sense). Who the Used are and by whom they are employed is still a conundrum, but I intend to use all of my enhanced Cha-Cha to retrieve Ophelia from their clutches and flay those bastards alive.
I was selected by the Slambero Corporation when I turned twenty-three years of age because of my unique ability to recall every episode of the action/sci-fi/drama The Adventures of Colt Lugar, P.I. instantly. Growing up, good ol’ Colt taught me everything from building dimentional time jumpers using toothpicks and gin to making a damn fine martini. Everything with gin, it seemed to become my life motto, to become me. I was a raging alcoholic, making a fool of myself at relatives’ weddings and funerals. Everyone I knew was either getting married or dying, but why not me, it wasn’t fair!
I found help in the shape of a voluptuous transexual, Ophelia Jesus. She had tits that stuck a near ten inches from her chest and a beard so long she had to part it around those massive orbs. She read my mind instantly and awoke my own psychic powers, eradicating the need for booze and my fear of trannies. We were unstoppable. Slambero knew this, of course, that’s why we were sent on this blasted mission, curse them. If Slambero had a mother, I’d slap her for creating such a beast. But that’s beside the matter. Ophelia is gone, in someone else’s dirty mits. Those fiends will pay."

That's what i have so far with him... more soon will follow...

Holy crap that is awesome. Great job on it, man.

Next UP: Ophelia Jesus, Psychic Bearded Woman Secret Agent!